Sunday, March 20, 2011

Can't Get No Rejection

By now I am beginning to suspect that my sought-after rejection from Journal of Universal Rejection will not be so easy to come by:

We were very pleased to read your updated story. So much so that we shared it with our wife, who was also very approving. The landscape descriptions are fantastic.

That said, however, there is still too much dialog. Our readership doesn't read dialog. Perhaps a story that is solely about the hills around Derbyshire? Or a travelogue (sans dialog) of popular vacation spots for hit men? Ideally it would be a story with 6 characters and no dialog.

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection

My reply, which follows, attached a story called: "Landscape, No Dialog, Six Characters":

Dear Dr. Emmons:

I lament my inability to express my pleasure at receiving your non-rejection. You are right: there is too much dialog in the story. I see how your audience could not possibly read such a thing.

I wish I could express to you my gratitude for your willingness to work with me on this issue.

Please find attached my complete rewrite with no dialog whatsoever. I hope it will be more to your and (perhaps more importantly) your wife's liking.

P.S. It occurs to me that despite your fearless reputation in academia, you might be withholding a rejection out of misplaced concern for my emotional well-being. Be assured that I have been rejected before many, many times, though rarely with quite this much work.

P.P.S. Grateful regards to your wife. Does she publish a journal, by any chance?

What will Dr. Emmons do next? Dont miss the next exciting installment in the Rejection Saga!


  1. Any chance you could post the story? I don't think I can wait for the JofUR to publish it. Nor am I a subscriber, although I might subscribe if they publish your story.

    Come to think of it, publishing your story has a good chance of resulting in increasing the JofUR's readership by an infinite percentage. What publisher could resist that?

  2. I don't know if they'd go for that reasoning, but you're welcome to drop Dr. Emmonds a note and tell him how much you liked the story and make the point about his increased readership. Do let me know if you do.

    (Amy got sent a copy of the story because she asked -- subtle but powerful approach, that).